At x-mas time, when visiting my folks, some of our holiday presents included some excess bounty from their garden, including a shopping bag full of potatoes, a handful of sweet potatoes, and three obscenely large (and shaped) neck pumpkins.

Witness one of these obscene bastards!

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For x-mas I got Emma the Veganomicon cookbook. We’ve been trying a handful of the recipes out since then. A couple weeks ago we made homemade seitan for the first time using their recipe. Tonight I tried out their Chickpea Cutlets recipe and used it to make a big ass Vegan Chicken Parmesian Sandwich. Here’s how ya do…

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The Torley Manor Winter 2008 greeting cards!!! as inspired by this. Three color hand-screened in Torley’s basement workshop. If you want some, let us know!!!

Ideally, fake cheese would be firm in the refrigerator and melt when heated. Ideally, it would become stretchy and somehow recreate the opiates in actual dairy-based cheese (or is that the ideal?). And of course, ideally it should taste good and not be made of chemicals.

In a pinch, Tofutti brand products will get the job done but they’re so very very processed that the sheer glowing whiteness of the mozzarella slices and sour cream make me nervous. So onward!

There are a lot of variations on making fake cheese at home. The recipe we usually use is the “Classic White Uncheese” from a weird little cookbook that I am certain is owned exclusively by vegans. It’s the venerable Nutritional Yeast Cookbook by Jo Stepaniak (purchased for a buck or two at a used book store in Ithaca NY once upon a time.)

It’s pretty convoluted and absurd but I really like it a lot. It doesn’t get stretchy but it will melt and it will brown a bit if you broil it. It’s also firm enough to grate or slice. Yeah!

Step One: Get everything out and ready first. Normally I don’t bother doing this but this is fairly involved, so just get out and measure all your ingredients and oil the container you want to mold your cheese in at the end.

• 1/4 pound regular firm tofu
• 3 T nutritional yeast
• 2-3 T tahini
• 2 T lemon juice
• 1.5 T miso
• 3/4 t salt
• (this recipe calls for garlic powder and onion granules but I have never bothered)
• 3 T agar flakes
• 3/4 c water

Step Two: Blend. A food processor or blender really is essential for this recipe. Blend together everything but the water and agar. It looks gross. Roll with it.

Step Three: Dissolve the agar. Agar is a crazy and amazing seaweed that works like gelatin. You can buy it in flakes or a powder. I’ve only ever used the flakes for this recipe but have used the powder in other recipes with equal success, so really use whatever you prefer. Use the tiniest saucepan you’ve got, bring the water and agar to a boil, and simmer it for about five minutes till all the flakes are dissolved. If you don’t have a heat resistant (silicone) spatula, consider getting one. They are great for this kind of thing.

Step Four: Hustle and blend everything. Pour the agar/water into the food processor and blend the shit out of it, stopping frequently to scrape the sides down. You have to work fast because the agar starts to set up as soon as it gets cool. Blend it thoroughly but be snappy, and then pour/scrape everything down into your prepared container.

Let it cool for a few hours in the fridge (leave it uncovered until it’s cooled through) and then do with it what you will! Our plan is fake Philly cheese steaks! I made some homemade seitan for the first time today too. As Q put it, we are Kickin’ Ass in 08!